Woodson Conrad James


Woodson Conrad James was the great-nephew of outlaw bank-robber Jesse James (born Jesse Woodson James). Unlike his infamous great-uncle, Woodson grew his fortune in a more socially acceptable way; he was a lawyer specializing in criminal defense.

Woodson was eight years old when he learned of his great-uncle’s treacherous life, and although saddened by the deaths left in Jesse’s crime spree wake, Woodson was proud of having such a well-known, and feared, family member. It is said that he decided early on to become a criminal defense attorney in memory of his great-uncle Jesse.

Woodson was clever and unusually successful. His services came at a high price, and his satisfied clients included mobsters, casino owners, corporate CEOs, high-end escorts, and petty thieves from good families. Although he treated his clients with respect, each was aware that if one wanted Woodson as your attorney, you’d best be prepared to pay grand hourly fees for listening to tale after tale of Jesse’s exploits.

Despite his legal successes, Woodson did not fully escape the notoriety of his great-uncle. He, like Jesse, fell in love with his first cousin, Naomi Springfield; but unlike Jesse, who eventually married his first cousin, Woodson feared being ostracized due to the familial love affair and, after five years of romantic secrecy and promises of betrothment, he ended the relationship with Naomi.

Naomi, heart-broken and furious, arrived at Woodson’s home under the guise of returning a diamond necklace he’d given her. Instead, she grabbed one of Jesse’s pistols from the collection on display in Woodson’s living room, walked quietly to his office, and shot him in the face as he sat at his desk eating his lunch, a ham sandwich.

She’d later claim she hadn’t realized the gun was loaded and only wanted to threaten Woodson, not kill him. She was found guilty of pre-meditated murder and given a life sentence. Her attorney worked a plea that promised she’d never be served ham sandwiches in prison.


Matteo Theadeus Capone


Matteo Theadeus Capone is the brother of notorious mobster Al Capone. Although Matteo favored the pinstriped suits and rakish hat-tilt of his infamous sibling, the similarities end there.

Where Al was cold and calculated, Matteo was big-hearted and of simple thoughts. He preferred to spend his nights at underground Cuddle parties, and his days volunteering at the local animal shelter. He could often be found sitting in a cage with a dog awaiting adoption, comforting the animal and assuring him his ‘fur-ever’ home would soon be found.

He campaigned tirelessly for animal rights and, in the only unlawful act of his life, once stole an elderly dog from a neighbor’s yard when he suspected the dog was being abused. The dog, a Pitbull-Mastiff mix, was re-named Cotone, the Italian word for ‘cotton’ (Matteo’s favorite fabric), and much loved by the entire Capone family. After Cotone passed away peacefully of old age, Matteo had Cotone’s likeness tattooed across his back.

Matteo continuously mis-placed his house keys and wallet, and could never remember his own phone number. He lacked a sense of direction in the literal sense, and regularly was returned home in a police cruiser when found wandering aimlessly a block or two from his residence.

The Officers were very fond of Matteo, such a gentle soul and so different from his brother, that when he died at age 34 of botulism from badly processed home-canned Bread-and-Butter pickles, the police force attended his funeral in full regalia, and many tears were shed.

In his memory, the animal shelter maintained a large, empty cage that volunteers could climb into with a homeless animal for a cuddle.