Matteo Theadeus Capone


Matteo Theadeus Capone is the brother of notorious mobster Al Capone. Although Matteo favored the pinstriped suits and rakish hat-tilt of his infamous sibling, the similarities end there.

Where Al was cold and calculated, Matteo was big-hearted and of simple thoughts. He preferred to spend his nights at underground Cuddle parties, and his days volunteering at the local animal shelter. He could often be found sitting in a cage with a dog awaiting adoption, comforting the animal and assuring him his ‘fur-ever’ home would soon be found.

He campaigned tirelessly for animal rights and, in the only unlawful act of his life, once stole an elderly dog from a neighbor’s yard when he suspected the dog was being abused. The dog, a Pitbull-Mastiff mix, was re-named Cotone, the Italian word for ‘cotton’ (Matteo’s favorite fabric), and much loved by the entire Capone family. After Cotone passed away peacefully of old age, Matteo had Cotone’s likeness tattooed across his back.

Matteo continuously mis-placed his house keys and wallet, and could never remember his own phone number. He lacked a sense of direction in the literal sense, and regularly was returned home in a police cruiser when found wandering aimlessly a block or two from his residence.

The Officers were very fond of Matteo, such a gentle soul and so different from his brother, that when he died at age 34 of botulism from badly processed home-canned Bread-and-Butter pickles, the police force attended his funeral in full regalia, and many tears were shed.

In his memory, the animal shelter maintained a large, empty cage that volunteers could climb into with a homeless animal for a cuddle.


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